Divorce continues to be a reality of our social landscape. Calculating the divorce rate in the U.S. has been tricky. While many continue to perpetuate the notion that 50% or more of all marriages end in divorce, serious demographers would not make that assertion. However, it is true to say that a young couple marrying for the first time today has a lifetime divorce risk of 40%. To read more about this, click here.
The real issue for us has less to do with accurate accounting, but what can we do as parents to help kids navigate through the difficult challenges that emerge from divorce. Plenty of research has been conducted on the long-term effect of divorce on children. Let me suggest a few ways to offer parenting support to a child whose parents have divorced.
- Instill trust – At times, children interpret divorce as a broken promise. This influences a kid’s capacity to trust. You can help by making simple promises that you are committed to keeping. Every time you demonstrate being trustworthy, you reinforce a basic Biblical principle to a child – God is with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. You can trust Him all the time.
- Clarify responsibility – Many children grow up feeling responsible for a divorce. This shows up as depression, anxiety or anger. It is important for you to help a child understand personal responsibility. When you make a mistake, state clearly, “I was wrong, and I take responsibility for what happened.” When a child errs, help him or her find words to “own” what happened. By practicing this simple principle, you lay a foundation for a child to understand that each person is held responsible before God for his or her choices. This includes the decision a Mom or Dad makes to divorce.
- Channel feelings into appropriate expressions – children are more likely to act out their feelings than to express them in words. Frustration, disappointment and anxiety take on physical forms through social interactions. All through the Psalms (Psalm 47 for instance) we see God’s people expressing their emotions both in words and actions. Help a child work out these emotions through involvement in activities that allow those emotions to surface in controlled environments such as youth sports, scouting, or church related service projects. It can carry the same effect that you feel as an adult after a vigorous workout – some of that emotional energy is spent. Afterward, ask questions that give them a chance to describe the feelings behind their behaviors. Consider asking a question like, “You seemed kind of detached from your friends today. Were you feeling sad?” Point out when those emotions surface in inappropriate or relationally damaging ways. This helps a child learn the scriptural principle of living at peace with others.
Camper Corner
How many friends do you have whose parents have divorced? What are the signs that your friends might be struggling with that situation? How can you be helpful and supportive to them?
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