The attitude of a child with a false sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give it to me.”
This statement by Social Worker James Lehman seems to sum up the perspective of a whole generation of young adults who are entering the work world with an over-inflated view of what they deserve. Some believe this is a by product of parents who have been afraid to say “no” to their kids – either out of generosity or to avoid the inevitable melt-down in public.
In some homes, kids work this angle after a divorce – expressing a “you owe me this” attitude toward their living situation. Whatever the cause, children who feel entitled in life grow up to be adults with a poor work ethic, expecting that money, career jobs, and luxury should be theirs, just because they “are.”
What can we do about this? I’m going to write a general encouragement to all parents, and then a specific encouragement for parents of daughters. Johnny will pick up this theme on Thursday with some insightful words for those of you with sons.
- Cultivate gratitude in your home – There are at least three ways to interpret blessings in life: “I deserve this because I exist.” “I deserve this because I earned it.” “I don’t deserve this at all, so I should be thankful to have it.” The first interpretation flows from that place of entitlement. The second is not altogether bad, since we want our kids to grow up learning that if they will work hard, they can earn money, realize success, or achieve goals. What is missing too often in our culture is a perspective that encourages gratitude. When we receive something for nothing – whether dinner on the table or a trip to the movies – we should respond with thankfulness. You can encourage this in your home by simply saying, “Thank you” when others do something to bless. My wife, Laura, teaches this to our kids often. When we go out to dinner as a family, she always initiates a hearty round of “Thanks for dinner” comments. Even in this simple way she is teaching our children that eating out is a treat, not a right, for which we should all be grateful. This week, look for ways that you can inspire gratitude in your kids, by your example and pointing out opportunities to say, “Thank you.”
- Watch for gender-specific “rights” – With two daughters in our home, I’m more aware of the advertising attempts to get girls to think with entitlement. Most of them circle around beauty or sex-appeal. “You should own these clothes because they are cool / sick / down on you.” A girl who thinks she should look a certain way is one problem – how she goes about getting that look can involve the kind of manipulation that we want to avoid. When your daughter is in hot pursuit of a look (or any other product for that matter), slow down the train. Have the conversation about why she wants it, and what she can do to earn it on her own. Both are important points in the conversation toward a healthy, balanced view of ownership.
Camper Corner
What is it that kids your age really want? How do most kids go about getting what they want?
Comments
I wanted to comment on the entitlement issue. We just built 2 new fabulous high schools in our town. Yet, within 6 months they have been broken into and graffitied. I suggested to a friend on the school board that one class period should be taken to write thank you notes to the tax payers to thank them for the new schools. She looked at me with this look of amazement! My children go to private school and they know that if they take it for granted and are not appreciative that it can all come to an end. I feel that children have no idea how lucky they are to be receiving an education and if they were, we would not have a lot of the problems we encounter in the schools.
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